Oh wait, I screw that up too.
I've gained. I'm sick of going back and forth on the scale. Down is the only direction. I'm fasting until further notice. I'm sick of myself. As soon as I hit a new low, anything higher is never good enough. Nothing will be good enough until my BMI dips below normal.
I post a lot of thinspo here, but I would also like to use this as a legitimate blog as well. I'm working on it. My last blog was so boring I couldn't bear to post in it anymore. At least with this new one, there is enough thinspo to distract viewers from how pathetically dull my life actually is. My drama is only interesting to me, haha.
Basically, I've been under a lot of stress. My roommate (who is also my 'it' we're on a break, but essentially broken up) is on probation, and he's violated the terms of his probation, so he's probably going to jail for the holidays. Not that it matters, but my parents have already informed him that they are throwing him out as of January 2nd. I really have no idea how I'm going to function without him around. I really used to love my privacy, but after eight months, he's just become family. I wanted him to just keep living here and move into the den, but that doesn't look like a viable option, and it kills me. He has no where to go. I understand that this is because he's a lazy bum with no job or education, but this is so sudden. I never realized how much I DIDN'T want him to leave. Sure, he can be annoying and childish and stupid (it's why I don't want to be with him anymore), but I do really care about him a lot, and I'm so worried about what's going to happen to him.
I don't want to break up with him yet because he's the type of guy that needs to be with someone. When we break up, I'm scared he'll take no time to replace me, and that would kill me. I know it's selfish (especially because of my situation, which I'm getting to) but he just isn't ready for a relationship right now. I want to be the most important person in his life. Now I'm not sure if I will be and it kills me. I love him. I'm just not in love with him.
My other stressor comes from my person of interest. He's gorgeous by my standards (he's 6'4, hello!), a complete sweetheart, understanding, supportive, genuine, he's the gentle giant persona essentially. We have this absolutely amazing chemistry/connection, and it's so brilliant and fiery and new and just...electric. He's not very experienced sexually (2 times with 1 person), but I've never had sex, so it works for me. I'm 5'9, so I'm not used to feeling small, but I feel so delicate with him. He worships the ground that I walk on and feels privileged that I'm even acknowledging him, AND his entire family adores me.
Sounds perfect, right?
INCORRECT.
He's got a lot of problems. And hey, I can work with that, since I do too. Or so I thought. I can't help him, no matter what I do I feel like I make things worse. He's into SI, and since we've been together (?) he's been more hardcore than before. I can only assume it's because of me. Worse? It's been putting awful ideas into my head, like if I cut than I'll be closer to him, I'll understand him better, and I can help him. So I tried it. And now I'm worried it's going to turn into another addiction. A lot of people with eating disorders also SI, so it's an issue. I have so many issues, I really didn't want to add another to the mix.
But I can't help it. My mind has NEVER shut off before. EVER. But as the blade cuts across my flesh, everything melts away. My creativity is spurred, everything becomes a haze. I love the silence. I've never experienced anything like that before.
I'm so scrambled I have no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to. Two of my close friends I no longer speak to (I'll talk about that in a later post I'm sure) and I have essentially no where to turn. I'm flunking school, losing friends, getting mixed up with really fucked up people, and seeing my future floating down the drain.
What's worse? I legit don't care, as long as I'm getting thinner...
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