WOOHOO!

I officially hit my first official GW: 155lbs, the day before Christmas!! SO FUCKING EXCITED!!

When everything's going wrong, at least there's something that can go right.

Oh wait, I screw that up too.

I've gained. I'm sick of going back and forth on the scale. Down is the only direction. I'm fasting until further notice. I'm sick of myself. As soon as I hit a new low, anything higher is never good enough. Nothing will be good enough until my BMI dips below normal.

I post a lot of thinspo here, but I would also like to use this as a legitimate blog as well. I'm working on it. My last blog was so boring I couldn't bear to post in it anymore. At least with this new one, there is enough thinspo to distract viewers from how pathetically dull my life actually is. My drama is only interesting to me, haha.

Basically, I've been under a lot of stress. My roommate (who is also my 'it' we're on a break, but essentially broken up) is on probation, and he's violated the terms of his probation, so he's probably going to jail for the holidays. Not that it matters, but my parents have already informed him that they are throwing him out as of January 2nd. I really have no idea how I'm going to function without him around. I really used to love my privacy, but after eight months, he's just become family. I wanted him to just keep living here and move into the den, but that doesn't look like a viable option, and it kills me. He has no where to go. I understand that this is because he's a lazy bum with no job or education, but this is so sudden. I never realized how much I DIDN'T want him to leave. Sure, he can be annoying and childish and stupid (it's why I don't want to be with him anymore), but I do really care about him a lot, and I'm so worried about what's going to happen to him.

I don't want to break up with him yet because he's the type of guy that needs to be with someone. When we break up, I'm scared he'll take no time to replace me, and that would kill me. I know it's selfish (especially because of my situation, which I'm getting to) but he just isn't ready for a relationship right now. I want to be the most important person in his life. Now I'm not sure if I will be and it kills me. I love him. I'm just not in love with him.

My other stressor comes from my person of interest. He's gorgeous by my standards (he's 6'4, hello!), a complete sweetheart, understanding, supportive, genuine, he's the gentle giant persona essentially. We have this absolutely amazing chemistry/connection, and it's so brilliant and fiery and new and just...electric. He's not very experienced sexually (2 times with 1 person), but I've never had sex, so it works for me. I'm 5'9, so I'm not used to feeling small, but I feel so delicate with him. He worships the ground that I walk on and feels privileged that I'm even acknowledging him, AND his entire family adores me.

Sounds perfect, right?

INCORRECT.

He's got a lot of problems. And hey, I can work with that, since I do too. Or so I thought. I can't help him, no matter what I do I feel like I make things worse. He's into SI, and since we've been together (?) he's been more hardcore than before. I can only assume it's because of me. Worse? It's been putting awful ideas into my head, like if I cut than I'll be closer to him, I'll understand him better, and I can help him. So I tried it. And now I'm worried it's going to turn into another addiction. A lot of people with eating disorders also SI, so it's an issue. I have so many issues, I really didn't want to add another to the mix.

But I can't help it. My mind has NEVER shut off before. EVER. But as the blade cuts across my flesh, everything melts away. My creativity is spurred, everything becomes a haze. I love the silence. I've never experienced anything like that before.

I'm so scrambled I have no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to. Two of my close friends I no longer speak to (I'll talk about that in a later post I'm sure) and I have essentially no where to turn. I'm flunking school, losing friends, getting mixed up with really fucked up people, and seeing my future floating down the drain.

What's worse? I legit don't care, as long as I'm getting thinner...

158.8

Fasted for three days, ate three pieces of pizza last night and gained 0.8lbs back. I'm desperately trying to keep my eyes on the goal. I will eventually get to the place where I can sit and just talk about my life. Unfortunately, I'm so blocked creatively I can do nothing but point and click, point and click.

Thinspo Thinspo Thinspo

160.8

Love to see that number drop. I got to add another X to my goals chart. Life might be slipping away,  but I'm finally getting exactly what I want. Optimism is the aphrodisiac for a fulfilling life.

Enjoy some delicious thinspo!

Onward bound! To the journey of FAILURE.

Optimism and talk only gets you so far, I'm sad to say. I find myself unable to detach myself from the computer, and it's definitely not for the benefits of my education. I'm actually a little concerned. I've always been the person who thrives under pressure, but I think I actually have too much to accomplish in the time that I have. Lists are my friends:

~Edit Learning Log #1

~Edit Learning Log #2

~Complete Learning Log #3

~Complete Learning Log #4

~Complete Learning Log #5

~Complete 3 page short story

~Complete 15 page novella

~Study for Philosophy

~Complete Philosophy take home questions

~Philosophy Final Paper

All of these things need to be done at different times, but EVERYTHING needs to be done by this coming Tuesday at the latest. And what exactly am I doing now? Posting a blog.

More talk. 

Less action. 

More failure. 

Less productivity.

I need to figure out a way to reverse this cycle. I just have to pull myself together long enough to complete the semester. I've missed so much time my As are out the window, but I might still be able to extract some Bs. Will my GPA suffer? If course. But it'll suffer a lot worse if I fail everything completely.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.

I think I will attempt to just utilize my love of cyber space and allow myself a few minutes to browse/post/etc after I accomplish something. I simple need to focus myself, find my center, and apply basic practices and principles.

In better news, I was 161.4 this morning! YAY! At least something is going remotely well for me. However, I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to be the girl that's education goes down the drain for her ED. I have big aspirations. Right now I'm being tested, but I WILL come out on top.

Striving for Perfection

Awake, refresh, restart. Customize your stability and break away from convention. Find your focus and utilize your potential.


SEE YOURSELF AS THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE, THAN ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE IT.


I have so many online aliases, but I have to say that Kade is by far my favorite. I -am- Kade. Kade is unique and quirky and odd, but loving and sick and sad all wrapped into a big bundle of complacency and borderline convention. Away from the lock down of a computer and laptop, when cyber space is out of reach, I become a foreign entity. I am no longer myself.

I'm just a damn fool.

My goal: Get down to 155 by Christmas. AND STAY THERE!


Whatever happens happens, but damnit! I am SO sick of talking. I'm sick of saying all the things I'm going to do, and then never doing them. I'm sick of not meeting the potential that is expected of me and that I demand on myself.

But more than anything, I'm sick of my inability to be perfect. Perfection is the goal, and nothing less will make me happy. Nothing else will bring the contentment and desire I so desperately want: perfect body, perfect grades, perfect job, perfect friends, perfect significant other. Good won't work. Great doesn't matter. I need to be superior. I need to be the best.

I need some fucking perfection!